The epitome of Catch 22

Several months ago I heard about a helpful plan where the government would pay for 65 percent of your COBRA premium. And I have to be honest, I have no idea where or when I heard it but it was exciting news, so I checked into it. The result: I didn't qualify. To qualify, one needed to be laid off AFTER September 1, 2008; but I had been laid off BEFORE September 1, 2008. Excuse me? Doesn't that seem a little backwards? Wouldn't I need MORE help with my very expensive COBRA premium payments if I had been paying the expensive premiums for a longer time period rather than a not-so-long-period of-time? It sure doesn't make any sense to me, but it must make sense to someone. Anyway, rules are rules, and as per the rules, I didn't qualify.

I'd also heard about this "Obama Mortgage Modification Plan" so I checked into it too. I lost my job due to a layoff many months ago and am very strapped for cash, so having my mortgage modified to a lower monthly payment would be a great help. However, the rules of this very helpful plan indicate that I don't make enough money to qualify. What? You heard me, I don't make ENOUGH money to qualify. Think about this with me for a minute, if you will. "If I made MORE money, would I need my mortgage modified?"

I can't wrap my head around that one either. But rules are rules, and as per the rules, I don't qualify. NEXT!

A couple months after I had heard about the first helpful COBRA reimbursement deal, someone told me about a different very helpful COBRA deal. I immediately told them I won't qualify so I wasn't going to waste the time and frustration to apply or check into it. They said, "No, no this is a different deal."

Cool beans! So I explained my situation to someone on the phone and she said, "If you didn't qualify for the other one, you won't qualify for this one."

Why was I not surprised? Pissed off to beat the band, but not surprised. And not only did I not qualify for this second COBRA deal, my COBRA premium had gone up (for the second time in 14 months) from $279 per month for single coverage to $431 a month for single coverage, AND it doesn't cover a $128 monthly prescription. Just between you and me, I'd quit taking the prescription all together if it were for birth control or something like that (let's not get into THAT sorry discussion), but it's for anxiety and depression. And Paula, sans anxiety meds, is not something anyone wants to see. Just trust me on that one.

Even though my COBRA premium is sky high and seriously helping to break the bank in a huge way, at least it's health insurance coverage. Right? Well, my very important and very expensive health insurance coverage ends in less than a month. So I've been searching diligently for new individual coverage.

Here's a few scenarios:

Scenario #1: $556 for a six-month policy. This breaks down to a reasonable monthly payment...if I could pay monthly. But the terms of this policy mandate that the full premium is paid upfront. And honestly, I understand. But I don't HAVE the full amount, so I have to continue my search.

Scenario #2: Declined coverage through a company in Iowa due to pre-existing conditions. The agent told me I wasn't declined due to my pre-existing conditions necessarily, but rather due to Minnesota regulations, and that if I lived in Iowa or Wisconsin, he could have written the policy. You have GOT to be kidding me!

Scenario #3: Still pending. I've requested in writing that my previous medical records from my primary doctor and a specialist be sent to Medica for review. This could take two weeks.

Scenario #4: Minnesota Care. I was told if I have had access to health care in the past four months, I would NOT qualify for this plan. Well jeeze, I have had access to health care in the past four months, and in fact have been paying COBRA payments through my ass for the past 17 months because I learned that NOT having health insurance is a very bad thing. Let's talk this through for a moment. Does "HAVING access to health care in the past four months" make me more of a risk than NOT having access to health care in the past four months? I've been pondering that for days and I still can't understand it. If it makes sense to you, please shed light. I'm sick of being in the dark.

It's like you need to be 65-years-old to retire, 55 to qualify for a senior discount, 21 to drink alcohol, 18 to be an adult, 17 to see a rated R movie, 16 to drive, 5 and under to get in free...it's all so completely random.

But the good thing is, since my first inquiry with Minnesota Care, I've learned that rules may have changed and I may qualify (yay me). So I am in the process of gathering pay stubs and proof of income for the past 30 days or a written statement of earnings from my employer if I do not have pay stubs, copies of recent bank statements or written statement from my bank showing current balance or value of my accounts, one citizenship document, one identity document, copies of retirement accounts, copies of other documents showing value of assets, and my LEFT LEG severed above the knee! Then I'll send everything in to the powers that be and wait up to 45 days for a response. [Insert expletive here!].

Scenario #5: Medical Assistance. I don't qualify for medical assistance because I make too much money. What?! You heard me, I make too MUCH money.

Are you following the story at all? Is there a valid reason that I feel like a walking example of a Catch 22? Or the epitome of the American Dream gone bad? I make too much money (mind you this is my unemployment income of $1427.60 per month average). I don't make enough money (because unemployment isn't considered income). I've been unemployed too long (before September 1, 2008). I've been paying through the nose for health insurance coverage and now I don't have enough to pay upfront another premium that would end up being a good deal.

WTF! Someone throw me a bone! I'm happy to pay for my health insurance. But PLEASE...just GIVE IT TO ME for the love of everything sacred and holy!

P.S. I should say that since this writing, I have been approved for a Medica insurance policy that I'm happy with so far. Confirmation of final price is to come.